Amenakin talks about how the kind words of another gave her hope many years ago, and why this has motivated her to tell her story.
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Small gestures, even tiny ones, can create a powerful ripple effect. (Image: SXC)
A few weeks ago I made a YouTube video about my ‘life story’. Upon seeing several requests for a ‘draw my life’ video in video comments, I looked up what this new YouTube ‘tag’ was all about. Going through some of the search results, I could immediately see that these types of videos were quite personal.
I began YouTubing about three years ago. At the time, I never imagined that I would one day be uploading an in-depth video about my life. It was for this reason that a good friend of mine warned me against such a personal video. ‘It’ll be too depressing for your viewers,’ she said. ‘They see you one way and it’ll be too weird for them to see what you’ve been through.’ She was right, I guess – after all, an Amena with suicidal thoughts is certainly someone even I can’t connect with right now.
My husband, Osaama, was hesitant when I ran the idea past him. He understands the double-edged sword of being online – whatever you put out there is heavily scrutinised. Whilst he knows I’m unaffected by online drama and trolls, he was also concerned that my revealing sentimental details about my past could leave a gash in my thick skin.
Carefully, I wrote about the painful past memories – the ups, the downs, the triumphs. I decided not to mention most of the distressing incidents for numerous reasons, but enough was left to figure out how hard it was.
So why did I make the video?
There are so many people who go through difficulties in life. Some people have it worse compared to others, but everybody can relate to some degree of pain and hurt, whether through circumstance or the actions of others. I certainly don’t believe myself to have been through the worse – one has only to look at the plight of the sick, weak and oppressed around the world to put things into perspective.
But one thing pushed me on to ‘draw my life’. It was a memory.
I remember one day getting a pen and paper, and writing a letter. It was about my life at school – how I hated it, how I was being bullied, and how I was worthless and tired of life. I was writing to a girl I barely knew; in fact, we had only met once. Her name was Azra. She was the daughter of a friend of my dad’s, and my family had gone to visit them several weeks before. She had passed on her address to me and my sisters and, since those were the days when there was no Facebook and regular email usage, we had held on to it in case we ever wanted to send an Eid card or something.
Little did I know, Azra would be the person God had chosen to give me hope at a time when nothing in life seemed right.
She not only replied, but we also ended up exchanging lengthy letters. She even sent me a gift that she had bought for me on her holiday to Dubai. That was the nicest gesture I’d ever received from a friend. But what meant the most to me were her words of wisdom, kindness and solace, and even some photocopies of supplications. She told me about herself and what she had been doing in the weeks that passed between each correspondence. I held on to every one of her words as though they were a lifeboat for a sinking soul.
The reason I decided to open up about myself was because of this memory of Azra. Her assurance and encouraging words gave me the single most powerful emotion that a human being can have: hope. She made me imagine that light at the end of the tunnel. At a time when I felt unloved and unwanted, she made me truly believe that Allah (Great and Glorious is He!) Tests those He loves. If my video could do that for a single soul out there, I felt it was worthwhile opening up and being vulnerable.
Sometimes we underestimate the power of small gestures. Azra probably didn’t realise at the time the great impact her words were having on me, even if they just about kept me afloat for a while. I didn’t end up mentioning her in my YouTube video because we soon lost touch and I was back to being alone. But she was there when I needed her and that’s why today I wanted to dedicate this article to her. It’s not every day you find a heroine.
Incidentally, whilst packing up to move houses, I came across some of Azra’s old letters and shared them on Facebook with a few words about her. Through the wonders of the online world (and a friend of hers who had commented on that post), the picture ended up on her newsfeed and put us back in touch… 16 years later. Subhaan’Allah.
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