Musings on marriage

Amenakin reflects on the kind of union where two people come together to serve and love each other – as they serve and love God.

Growing up, I had always thought of marriage as being the start of a new, perfect life. When I actually got married, it was an interesting discovery to live beyond the ‘happily ever after’ moments caught in wedding pictures. I quickly realised that there was more to marriage than that, and that the adventure had just begun.

For me, it wasn’t a new life so much as a new journey. After all, I was still me, and my life hadn’t been ‘reset’. I had just packed away all of my experiences and now carried them with me on a new journey, a new path. Except now, I had a buddy with whom I could backpack along this new road.

That’s not to say that we remain the same, since life certainly does change after marriage. We learn to live alongside another human being, a person with whom God has tied our souls in this sacred bond. To me, marriage is indeed a sacred act; you learn about selflessness and you learn to be merciful and giving towards your spouse.

Whilst many would consider themselves to hold these traits before marriage, practising them in this new relationship is unlike any other experience. You learn about your spouse, of course, but you also discover a lot about yourself and your relationships, not only with others but with God as well.

Regardless of whether a couple has children, or whether a couple’s marriage actually lasts, one thing is for sure: everyone learns at least one fundamental thing about themselves in a marriage.

Living with another person can be a bit of a shock at first! Remember: you both have your own habits, your own ways of doing things. Whilst one of you may prefer staying up at night for those heart-to-heart conversations, the other may prefer early mornings. One may prefer rinsing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, whilst the other doesn’t see the point and refuses to do it.

Both must aim for a peaceful home environment

Whether the differences are in frugality or in stress management or meal preferences, I guarantee there will be points where compromise becomes a necessity. That’s where the situation becomes more about a ‘higher purpose’ – after all, biting the bullet and coming to a compromise means pushing aside the antagonistic ‘nafs’ (inner ego) for the sake of Allah (Great and Glorious is He).

This applies equally to both spouses, because both must aim for a peaceful home environment.

When the marriage between Prophet Muhammad (God’s peace and blessings be upon him) and Aisha took place, the women of Ansar bid them well wishes with, ‘For good and for happiness, may all be well.’

For both goodness and happiness to be maintained in a marriage, both partners should have a mutual understanding of what makes a healthy home environment. Both should acknowledge that, whilst disagreements inevitably arise, it isn’t healthy for arguments to be prolonged or for harsh words or behaviour to ensue.

Of course, this is something most people would agree upon, regardless of religious affiliation. Plato said, ‘Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.’ This works beautifully in a marriage when both the husband and wife influence each other with good practices. They become role models for each other and a harmonious balance of love and respect is created between the two. It is equal and it becomes effortless.

Of course, compromises are never made with some things, but that doesn’t necessarily indicate a problem or mean that the partners are unhappy. In fact, certain habits that initially seemed unbearable become accepted or even adorable over time. It is all a matter of each partner’s outlook and acquired patience.

In a marriage both the husband and wife influence each other with good practices

So many times I’ve read or heard about spouses being unnecessarily suspicious of each another or thinking the worst of each another. This immediately sets up a situation of tension and aggravation, where the nafs becomes wild and the partners become puppets for Shaitan.

The one thing that gives the accursed Shaitan the most pleasure is seeing a married couple at odds with one another. This is one of the biggest problems in society, because unhealthy marriages, broken homes and fragmented family units have a ripple effect. The worst part is that when the going gets tough, there are plenty of distractions available. From the Internet and television to the everyday pressures of work, money and social activities, one or both partners can get swept away in things far less important than their marriage.

Whilst all of these things do have their relevant place in life, sometimes the list of priorities gets warped. Adultery is so glamourised on television and unrealistic images of men and women are so rife in the media that, if they’re not careful, couples can get lost in meaningless details and forget what marriage is all about.

Marriage should be another means to gaining closeness to our Creator. It should be another way for us to serve and love another human being, as we serve and love God.

In Islam, each partner holds responsibilities in their marriage, just as responsibilities are associated with the role of a mother, father, teacher, doctor or any other role in society.

The most beautiful example of a spouse is the one we find in Prophet Muhammad (God’s peace and blessings be upon him). He displayed perfect conduct in every aspect of his life; may God shower him with endless blessings. Wives and husbands should study and try to emulate his perfect example of a God-conscious, loving, respectful and thoughtful human being, to say the least.

A wonderful shared activity for a married couple is to study the seerah, and in particular the marriages of the Messenger of Allah (God’s peace and blessings be upon him) with the aim to learn from, be inspired by and copy his conduct.

This way, though the ‘happily ever after’ pictures get stored away in albums, we are able to create long-lasting moments of a more realistic love based on mutual respect, spiritual fruition and a home of tranquillity.

This article originally appeared in the February 2013 Love issue of Aquila Style magazine. For a superior and interactive reading experience, you can get the entire issue, free of charge, on your iPad or iPhone at the Apple Newsstand, or on your Android tablet or smartphone at Google Play

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